LetsMoveToTheMoon

God, Technology, and Things That Make Us Want to Move to the Moon

Tribute to Jon Acuff, Part I: Closing Eyes to Avoid Bad Singing

May 13, 2009

This is part one of two in a Stuff Christians Like-style series. Check out part two: The Praynouement.

I decided to write a two-part series in the style of Jon Acuff’s Stuff Christians Like. I’ve had these two ideas for a while, and I giggle a little bit each time I think about them. I sorta lied about the giggling part, as I never giggle because that’s girly and weird, “girly” and “weird” being two related things. Also, I feel like a guy can never have enough tributes, and Jon Acuff could use a couple more. I originally titled this series “Ode to Jon Acuff,” but then I decided that it wouldn’t, in fact, be in ode form. However, that title sounds much more fun than “Tribute to Jon Acuff,” so keep that in mind.

Anyway, have you ever been in a time of musical worship with a smaller group of people and seen a guy nearby close his eyes? Upon seeing this gesture, some inexperienced worshipers might think that said mystic is in the process of being moved by the Spirit–or maybe falling asleep. We who are educated, however, know the truth. This guy can’t sing.

I notice this most often during a small-group hymn sing. Hymns have a special power: they turn the voice of a somewhat-poor singer into the combined sounds of vomiting, microphone feedback, many babies crying, and horrible scraping. During a time of singing hymns, eyes which have never before closed for a prayer or have never laid their focus on the words of a Bible shut tight. When the hymnal opens, the eyes close.

Our closed-eye friend is so terribly embarrassed of his vocal quality that he has decided to feign spirituality to hide his pitiful singing. Who can blame him? Closing your eyes during a song is the only way out. He can’t leave the room every time a time of singing begins; that would be too obvious. If our pal kept his eyes open but didn’t sing, well, let’s just say he’d be the subject of a prayer request at the next elders meeting, for sure. So what’s left for him but to close his eyes and pretend? Unfortunately, not much.

If you’ve got to do this, at least do it well. To help you achieve that end, I’ve got three tips for maximum eye-closing efficiency and believability:

1. Relax. Don’t squeeze your eyes shut too hard. Your friends will think something’s gone wrong in the abdominal region.
2. Don’t overdo it. If you close your eyes during the song to avoid singing, you’ve got to at least sing a line or two of the chorus. This way you look like you’re so into the song that you don’t even need to sing the whole thing.
3. Take breaks. In between songs, you better pop those eyes open, if only for a few seconds. If the people around you catch you with closed eyes during a transition time, you better believe they’ll know something’s up.

Follow these three steps and you’ll be avoiding potentially humiliating circumstances for years to come.